*This is a work of satire; these testimonials do not reflect the real beliefs of these individuals. 

Methacton administration will be glad to hear that students and staff are thrilled with the current state of site blocking on MSD devices. 

“I’m terrified of my delicate constitution being scarred by a song with a curse word in it,” says MHS junior, personally offended by Spotify’s catalog of songs and educational podcasts. 

Congress passed in 2001 the Children’s Internet Protection Act, requiring all public schools/libraries that receive federal funds for Internet access to filter material that is obscene, promotes child pornography, or is harmful to minors. 

The Methacton community fully supports the district’s belief that PornHub, illegal drug sites, and of course, an online language translator, are obscene websites. However, some misguided criticisms of these filters have still been raised.

Censoring unpleasant parts of history is a brilliant move in building an educated study body, teachers agree. “I’m glad the KKK is a blocked search,” said AP US History teacher Mrs. Heusser, “Why would we try to learn from the mistakes of the past, when we could just pretend they never existed?” 

As schools across the country add more restrictions on what shouldn’t be taught in schools, it’s good to know that our filters block even what we do teach.

The filters also block most forums and social media sites. 

“College research is going wonderfully,” said an MHS senior, “I don’t know what I’d do without all these student testimonials I can’t read.” 

Why block specific explicit content, when you could ban entire sites? And while you’re at it, why ban specific sites when you could ban reading all online discussion? Clearly, the children must be protected from the horrors of Quora. And, as social media becomes increasingly relevant, personally and professionally, what better time to ban Twitter (except for staff, of course)?

It seems that the student body fully believes that learning about the dangers of the Internet is best done through restriction and censorship. Honest education in the safe environment of a classroom is clearly a dangerous force. 

With less than a month since Banned Book Week, the Methacton School District will be proud to know they stand against censorship, and would never withhold education from its students.

#MethactonOnTheRise

*All links provided in above article are blocked on the MHS network. 

Sources (unblocked): https://www.fcc.gov/consumers/guides/childrens-internet-protection-act